


April Fools

by sayoko



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: :3c i will let you decide, April Fools, Bodyswap, Gen, M/M, as in the topic is april fools, is this an established relationship fic?, though by the quality this could be considered a joke too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-10-13 21:02:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10521795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sayoko/pseuds/sayoko
Summary: Alluka, Nanika and Killua prank their oldest brother and his weirdo friend.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was something I had actually written for last years' April first. However, I couldn't finish it on time and got grumpy and threw it into the Void till the day came again. I'm not really happy with it but whatever. I guess it's better to upload it than not.
> 
> BTW! For the sake of this story, I'm not sure if it works that way, so just this one, let's pretend a Hunter's license can work the same way as credit card. Thank you.
> 
>  ~~Might edit later, idk, idk.~~ This bitch's edited, Y E E T!!

 

“Onii-chan! I have something for you!”

Alluka handed her brother a small can with the words “choco bits” in bright colorful letters. It was clearly one of those typical snake-in-a-can pranks. Killua looked at her sister; she was smiling broadly at him.

“Nice! Thank you!!”

There was no way she could know that this kind of joke had already become predictable, so he opened the can and when the toy snake sprang at his face he faked a scream and jumped back.

“Hahahah! April Fools!!”

Killua put a hand on his chest and pretended to sigh in relief. “Aaah, you got me. Hey, I had no idea you knew about April Fools. I was going to tell you, but I forgot.”

“Heheh, it’s ok!”

He picked up the toy from the floor and stuffed it back into the can. “But, anyway, how did you find out about the day? Did someone celebrate it with you at home?”

“Ah! ... Actually, a man told me the other day.”

“A man? When?”

The siblings had been running away for a while now and Killua was careful to stay next to his sister as much as possible. He didn’t recall seeing her talking to anyone strange lately.

“Well… Remember when we were having lunch yesterday?”

He did. The only time he had separated from Alluka was to go to the bathroom.

“A street vendor went inside the restaurant,” Alluka continued, “and started offering toys and key chains and other funny things.  I asked him about the cans and he explained to me that they were pranks and that it was going to be April Fools and how fun it was! I managed to buy that before a waiter kicked him out. I was really lucky.”

Killua let out a breath and patted Alluka on the head. “You really were.”

“Hey Onii-chan!” Alluka said as she got on her bed and started jumping on it. “Let’s watch tv?”

Killua nodded and started looking for the remote. It was not on the desk, it was not on the floor. It was a very old, very big remote, how could it get lost?

When he found it, Killua turned around and saw Alluka jumping higher and higher.

“Hey watch out! You could break a-” There was a loud CRACK! coming from the bed before he could finish the sentence.

“Oh no…”

“Oh no.”

Swiftly, Alluka got off the bed and Killua lifted the mattress to check the wooden slats underneath. As expected, one of them had split in two.

“It’s alright. It happens. We will tell someone to fix that later.”

“Pheeew, ok!” Alluka lay down on her stomach on Killua’s bed, calmly this time, and left enough space for Killua to lie next to her. “Onii-chan, can we go out later?”

“Hm? Where do you want to go?”

Alluka’s eyes shined bright; even though they moved from town to town a lot, they never really went out for fun. It had not been like that at the beginning. Actually, they had plans to visit many places, but when Killua saw someone he was sure was a Zoldyck butler following them, it all had to change. Their vacations were reduced to the routine of finding a place to stay, a place to eat, resting, and starting all over again. It was very unlikely that they were still being followed, and there was also the chance that that previous encounter had been a coincidence, but even so, Killua didn’t want to take any risks.

“I don’t know,” Alluka said, “Hmmm… Are there any stores that sell toys in this town? I miss my plushies…”

He remained quiet for a while. It really had been a long time since the butler incident. Maybe it was time to loosen up.

“...Well, I guess we will have to find out.”

“Yes!! Ah, wait! Onii-chan, Are we really are going out… or is this a prank?” The sister asked with a pout.

“No! I promise!” He shook his head, and then added with a catlike grin, “I’m not playing any jokes on you this year, but you should prepare for the next one.”

“Oooh! Weeeell, Nanika says that you should prepare too!”

“Uh? Nanika too?”

“Yeah! Just wait, we’re going to get you real good.”

 _So Nanika also likes playing pranks…_ Maybe there was still something he could do this year.

“Alluka, could you call Nanika a bit?”

 

 

~*~

 

 

It happened in the twinkling of an eye. Illumi was about to leave his hotel room for a mission when suddenly everything around him changed. He was in a totally different environment and did not recognize anything about it. He was not even in the same position, next to the door, but standing in the middle of a small open kitchen in what seemed to be an apartment. _Was I teleported somehow?_ He looked around and noticed something else felt different.  _Oh no…_  He looked down and discovered that instead of his normal clothes, he was wearing just pajama pants, lilac pajama pants with bunnies and carrots embroidered.  He then looked at his hands… Cold sweat slid down his back as he recognized the sharp, painted nails. Illumi slowly turned to the closest reflecting surface in the narrow kitchen.

“No”

Short red hair and golden eyes were looking back at him from the reflection on the toaster.

_No way. I must be hallucinating._

He touched ‘his’ face… It felt horribly real. He pinched an arm with the pointy nails until it bled; the pain felt real too.

Illumi had to hold onto the edge of the table for a moment. It was not a dream. He looked around his new location. If he was in Hisoka’s body and this was his place, his cellphone had to be somewhere.

As if by request, the cellphone started ringing.

Illumi followed the sound to the bedroom and found the cellphone charging on the bedside table. He checked the screen and briskly frowned at his contact name before answering.

“Hisoka?”

“Illumi”

Listening to Hisoka using his voice was unsettling. Especially because the magician sounded suspiciously calm.

“Was this you?”

“Mm? What do you mean?”

“Hisoka, did you have anything to with this?”

Hisoka shuddered while hearing his own voice filled with Illumi’s anger. He breathed out before answering.

“Oh, Illu... I’m afraid not. I was actually counting on you to tell me what’s going on.”

Illumi sighed in relief. “If this wasn’t you, then it must have been _it_ …”

“It?”

“Alluka”

It made sense. If the little Zoldyck had been able to bring Gon back to health and teleport Illumi to another part of the world once, a trick like this should be easy for her. The magician snickered.

“Well, I have to admit this is a good prank. I bet Killua came up with it.”

“Prank?”

“Yes, you know, it’s the first of April. April Fools?”

Illumi froze on the spot. He was right. Now everything was clear.

“Illu are you there?”

“…Yes.”

“What do we do now?”

“…There’s nothing we can do.”

“What do you mean?”

“You are right. This must be Killu’s doing, and knowing him… He probably wished for this to last just for today.”

Hisoka was not so sure. This was as much as a punishment as it was a joke, and Killua had more than one reason to be angry at his older brother. In fact, Hisoka was surprised that he had been so merciful to Illumi the last time they met. Had he been in his shoes, he would have ended Illumi right then, in that forest.

“…Can you call him to make sure?”

“No. I have lost communication and his whereabouts are unknown.”

“Well… Then I guess I’ll have to trust you on this…”

“Don’t worry. I know Killu. We will be back to normal by tomorrow, or today at midnight. I’m sure. … Anyway, I think we should meet.”

Illumi heard yawning coming from his rightful body.

“Aah… That would be nice… But you see, I was about to have breakfast, and since I’m still hungry and this is all your fault, I think I’m gonna eat something first.”

“Hisoka-”

“Oh! But where are you? I mean, where am I now? Can you be here in… 10 minutes? We could have breakfast together.”

“What. I don’t even know where I am! …Where you are. Where- Damn it. Hisoka, listen-”

“Aah, well I guess I’ll have to eat on my own then. Later! ”

“HISOKA-“

He had hung up.

Illumi tried calling back but the cellphone was turned off. This was not good. He could not trust his body to  _him_.

The assassin stood up and scanned the whole apartment. There were not many items that could help him determine in which city he was. He looked outside but it did not help either. He would have to ask someone else.

Another realization hit him. He was in pajamas. He had to change.

He took a deep breath. There was no need to bath. He would just quickly change clothes and be out of the door.

 

It didn’t take long to find out the name of the city: Böhem. The porter at Hisoka’s building had been kind enough to answer him without making questions. He knew Böhem; it was far, far away from his hotel. Getting there would take many hours, even by air. The assassin lost no time. He immediately stopped a cab to take him to the closest airport. Moving around was no problem; he was thankful Hisoka had his Hunter license with him.

The assassin was a bit calmer now. While changing clothes, Illumi had tried to use Hisoka’s nen, to no avail. He figured that it would not come naturally and that the magician must be experiencing the same difficulties. His main concern was that Hisoka would try to fight someone to test his new abilities, but he wouldn’t do so if he wasn’t in complete control of them.

Illumi kept calling his number all the way down to the airport. It took a while before Hisoka answered.

“Hello~”

“I’m going your way. Please wait for me at my room.”

“Illu! How do you want me to wait for you? Should I change into something more… comfortable? ”

Hisoka wished he could see Illumi's reaction to his own voice speaking in such a teasing manner. Was he maintaining his usual poker-face? Had he annoyed him enough to get his eyebrows to slightly twitch? Or was he perhaps more expressive now that he was in another body?

“Please stop calling me Illu.”

“Ok~”

“Thank you… For your cooperation, I will treat you breakfast when I get there… Or lunch." Illumi looked at the time. "Or dinner.”

Hisoka decided to push him just a little more. If he didn't want him to call him Illu, he figured that he could still call him other nicknames.

"Aw, really? Thanks babe!"

"...I'm not your babe."

"Ah! I'm sorry. Did I upset you, dadd-"

Illumi hung up before the jester could finish the question. 

 

 

~*~

 

 

Far away from the assassin and the magician, Killua and his sister were still watching television. 

 

"Onii-chan... Do you think Aniki is mad because of what we did?"

"EEEEEEh?! Of course he must be! That's the point!"

"...But I was thinking, what if he doesn't know it is a joke? And mister Hisoka! What if they had something important to do today and we put them in trouble?"

"... Sis, please don't call that creep “mister” ever again."

"Onii-chan!!"

"Alright alright! So what are you saying?"

"That maybe Nanika should bring them back to normal."

"Already?? Aaaaw... If neither of you want to keep this going, I understand, but, just this time, could we give them some more time? Just a couple of hours?"

Alluka looked at her plate and pouted, deciding what to do.

"Well... Nanika says that a little more time won't hurt them."

"Yes! Thank you both!"

 

 

~*~

 

 

Illumi was waiting at the airport when the cellphone rang again.

"Yes?" He answered curtly.

"I think I screwed up.”

"What?"

"The needle thing... You make it look so easy. So I tried too, but I think I messed up."

“What do you mean ‘mess up’? What the hell are you doing?”

“Well, I tried using your needles like you do, so I took them out and threw them around, but when I tried to put them back on, it hurt like hell. How do you do it? I had never realized. You practically live with these things stuck to your chest. How?? I mean, I tried, and now my chest won’t stop bleeding.”

Illumi took a deep breath before answering.

“Hisoka… I know you are trying to get on my nerves. However...” he paused and changed his voice to a more seductive tone, mocking Hisoka’s usual speech, “Keep hurting my body, and I’ll do the same to yours. Ah! Wouldn’t it be a shame if something happened to your pretty face?… Or your legs? or arms?” He went back to his characteristic monotony. “Don’t test me. I’m trained in pain endurance. I can gouge your eyes out and mangle your limbs so bad even Bungee Gum won’t be able to fix them back to your body again. Have in mind that you will go back to this body soon…”

Illumi paused to see what Hisoka would have to say to that. He was a masochist, but not to the point of risking permanent injuries… Illumi hoped.

What came from the other line did not sound exactly threatened.

“…So you think I’m pretty?”

“Stop fooling around,” he said firmly, yet defeated, “I’ll be there in a couple of hours."

There was a soft laugh from the other side of the line. "You are no fun."

Illumi hung up, hoping that he had regained some leverage after this. He was certain that the wish would be revoked at some point that day and that Hisoka would think twice before risking going back to a mutilated body. Still, he was worried. It would take more than just a couple of hours to get there, and he had no idea what else Hisoka could do if he was not there. But he could think about that later, now he had a blimp to board.

 

 

 

Far away, in a hotel room, Hisoka was taking this new situation quite calmly. The first seconds had been shocking, of course, but as soon as he realized that this involved Illumi he relaxed. If his mind was inside Illumi's body, the inverse had likely happened to him. He didn't have enemies, neither alone or in common, that he knew would be interested (or able, to begin with) on doing such a thing to him. Therefore, this only meant that was a Zoldyck issue. He immediately called his true cellphone to confirm his theory.

First thing he did after finishing the first call was to touch the needles. Illumi's body was dressed in his usual green clothes and the needles were already fixed on his chest. Hisoka had always wondered what that felt like. They didn't hurt. He tried moving them around but ceased immediately; they  **did**  hurt. Hisoka moved around the room and tried varied poses to get used to the weird feeling.

Second thing he did was to try out his new nen. Hisoka looked at his hands; he could see the aura surrounding them, but trying to get it to move at his will was much more difficult than he expected. The energy moved around him in tiny dark spiraling waves, it felt like dense waters that he wasn’t sure how to guide. He gave up for the moment, it would probably take him some time to adapt. He would try again later.

Next on Hisoka’s to-do list was to look for something to eat. He felt event more hungry than he remembered. It was probably Illumi's fault again. The assassin usually presumed he was able to spend days without eating during missions, and judging for the emptiness of the place and his appearance, that was probably the case. He looked around, just in case, but there was nothing except for the contents of the mini bar.

When he made the second call, Hisoka was laying on his stomach on the queen size bed, surrounded by empty snacks’ packages. He hadn't really tried to take off the needles, but it was sure entertaining listening to Illumi reacting to that lie. The assassin was right; he did want to get on his nerves. But, wasn't it April Fools? He was just honoring the day.

_I should also pull a prank on Illu, but what?... Oh! What if I receive him naked? No, too simple... How long will it take him to get there anyway?_

His lips curled into a disturbing smile when he finally got an idea. It was perfect. If it didn't turn up well, he could say it was just a prank. If he played his cards well... Maybe he could end up fighting Illumi by the end of the day.

 

 

Illumi was resisting the urge to call Hisoka again. An hour had passed since he got on the blimp but it seemed so much longer. The cellphone in his pocket vibrated. It was a notification of a message.

“God damn it.”

The message was a selfie. Hisoka had dared to take a selfie with  _his_  body, making peace signs and sticking his tongue out. The background was the hotel’s restaurant.

Illumi was about to dial the other’s cellphone again, but hesitated.

_He just wants to annoy me. If I call him I’m just giving him what he wants… But what if he sends the photo to my parents? No, I don’t have their numbers there. But what if… I do have some clients there. What if he starts bothering them?_

The phone vibrated again. It was another photo of him, this time blowing a kiss to the screen, and a short text.

 **Don’t worry babe. Not sending these to anyone else.** **❤**  

The screen of the cellphone cracked under the pressure of the vicious aura that emanated from Illumi. _What the fuck was that? Telepathy?_

Hisoka was testing his patience. Not only was he playing around with his body, but he was totally ignoring his petition to stay at the hotel room. Also, he had probably used _his_ Hunter license to pay for whatever he had ordered at the restaurant.

_It's alright... It's not like he could tarnish my ‘public image’... Only a few people know what I look like..._

 

 

 

Sometime later, he got another message.

**‘Bout to do some damage.**

Illumi felt his blood freeze. Soon after, he received another pic.

It was the entrance to a shopping mall, with Hisoka’s (Illumi’s) face in one corner, winking exaggeratedly at the camera.

_Shopping, he meant shopping._

He was not sure if he was relieved or not.

 

Illumi tried calling the magician again after he was finally on land, but there was no answer. He got, however, another message.

 **I'm waiting for you at your room...** **❤**

He hurried back to the hotel, glad that Hisoka was finally cooperating. He knocked on the door, once… Twice…

No one answered. Illumi quickly called Hisoka, but he did not pick up. Instead, he sent another selfie, making almost the same stupid face as the first one.  Illumi scanned the background. There was not much, just the sky behind a big window, yellow and orange and full of clouds. He seemed to be somewhere high.

**Where are you?**

No answer.

**Is this your idea of a joke?**

No answer.

**Answer the phone.**

No answer either.

 

 

Illumi went downstairs again and sat at the reception room. There had to be some detail in that picture that he was missing. There were not many high places in Böhem, but there were two skyscrapers. Maybe Hisoka was looking at the sunset from one of those.

It took him a while to go over the two buildings… The trickster was not there either.

**Hisoka, where are you?**

The message was marked as read, but there was no reply.

 

 

 

 

“Are you sure, sir?” The tourist guide asked faking concern; this happened very often, but still, she was obliged by contract to warn the tourists. “This is the real entrance to the Zoldyck Estate. No one who has tried to go inside has come back alive.”

“I think I’ll be just fine.”

The tourist guide sighed and let the long-haired man go. It was not her problem anymore.

Hisoka waited for the bus to leave before approaching the impressive stone gates. The main door was quite strange. It seemed to be separated in panels, and each one was numbered. Next to it there were a normal side door and a guard booth with an old man inside.

_Now, let’s see… The stone gates don’t seem to have any kind of lock, but the regular door does. There is a booth with a guard. He didn’t even stand up from his chair when he saw me approach, which means the Zoldycks go through the main door, and the other is for the servants. …But how heavy is that gate? Can I open it without full control of nen? …If this man notices I’m a fraud, will he ring an alarm? If I get caught now it won’t be no fun… What would Illumi do?_

Hisoka stared at the gatekeeper with his lent dark eyes.

Inside of the booth, Zebro was starting to sweat. Why was the eldest of the Zoldyck children staring at him? Most of times, he didn’t bother to even glance at him whenever he passed through the Testing Gates.

“You!”Hisoka said, and Zebro jolted when the assassin pointed at him. “Open the gates.”

 _W-WHAT?!_ The old man’s heart was pounding and for a moment he felt dizzy.  _Why is he asking me for that??_

Zebro hesitantly walked outside his station, studying the man in front of him. The petition was strange and, in a world like theirs, impersonators were not that uncommon. _He surely looks like him._ The old guard looked up at the young man’s face. It was, as usual, expressionless, but his eyes… They were void of light, yet intense, and they were piercing through him, as if demanding to know why this was taking him so long.

_Such a horrible stare… The same coldness as in Mike’s eyes… Yes. It’s him._

And suddenly, he understood why his boss had called him.

_This is a test for me!!!_

“I-in a moment, sir.”

Zebro took off his jacket and shirt and left them on the floor beside him. He was sweating heavily even before starting to push.

_This is it… The moment I have feared for so long has arrived… They have realized I have gotten old and want to test if I still have the strength required for this job!!!_

The guard was terrified. In his mind, he was convinced that Illumi had decided to evaluate his capacity for his position. If he wasn’t able to open the gates, then he would be fired. Or killed, his contract didn’t specify.

_I can’t be a coward… I can still work! I can still do it!_

Full of adrenaline, Zebro gathered all his strength and pushed. The doors resisted at first, but after a couple of seconds finally started moving. The first set of doors was open.

Panting and shaking, he looked back at his boss.

“Oh! Good job!” Fake Illumi said, clapping.

And that was all. The slender figure entered and walked away without saying another single word.

Zebro fell to his hands and knees. His heart was beating so fast that he now feared he would get a cardiac arrest. But he breathed a deep sigh of relief; he was still keeping his job.

A few meters ahead, Hisoka could feel something moving among the trees around him.

“My, my… What do we have here?”

 

 

 

Illumi had given up on finding Hisoka. Instead, he was now focusing on understanding his new nen. The concept of Bungee Gum was easy, but trying to control it was a completely different matter. Suddenly, he got another message with a photo. What he saw on the cracked screen made his heart drop to his stomach.

**Cute! What’s his name?**

Hisoka had sent him a photo of Mike. Hisoka was inside of the Zoldyck Estate.

It wasn’t that Illumi hadn’t thought Hisoka would try to impersonate him, he just didn’t believe that he would have the courage (or stupidity) to do something as risky as that. All his muscles tensed up. How could he warn his parents about the snake in their backyard?

 _Hisoka and I are merely acquaintances and if we worked together before it was merely out of convenience_ , he rehearsed in his mind. _I have no idea why this happened or why he decided to infiltrate our home_.

It was an excuse too weak. Illumi should not even need allies. Besides, Hisoka wasn’t a regular one; Illumi had made the mistake of involving him in their family matters. He already knew more than he should about Alluka and other sensitive topics, having him roam around his house without his consent was crossing the line.

He had to warn them. He had his father’s private number, so even if he got a different voice, if he called and explained what was happening and how Alluka was involved, he would understand. He would get grandpa and he would go in Hisoka’s search immediately. They wouldn’t wait for him to get nearer; they would hunt and seize. Once Illumi and Hisoka had switched back to their rightful bodies, the truth of their 'alliance' would come out, and Illumi was, no doubt, going to be punished for the first time since his teens. Hisoka, on the other hand…

 _He is going to be executed right away_.

Illumi stared at the phone on his hands. The number was on the tips of his fingers.

 

 

Half an hour passed and Hisoka was still constantly checking to see if Illumi had answered to that photo of his weird dog. The adrenaline from the beginning had passed, and even though the path to the Zoldyck residence was beautiful he was getting bored. He decided to call him.

Illumi picked up almost immediately, but waited for him to talk first.

“Do you have to walk this road every time you leave your house?”

Silence.

“It’s a long road… How far away is your house? I want to see it! And your parents… We have been friends for so long now, I think it’s time I met them, don’t you think?”

“Stop.” The voice was calm, yet curt. “I’m asking you to stop. If you go forward and meet anyone from my family, anyone, they will see through your farce and catch you. Nothing you can say will fool them.”

“I’m not so sure. I’ve been watching you closely; I think I can make a good impression of you.”

“If they catch you, they will only keep you alive until Alluka revokes the wish. After that, you are dead.”

“I appreciate your concern for me, but I’m not letting myself be caught.”

“It’s not concern. I’m just telling you the facts…You will be caught. If you keep going, you will we caught.”

Hisoka could see someone ahead, a young lady who at the mere sight of him moved aside from the middle of the way and bowed down.

“Are you seriously asking me to simply stop and leave?”

“…I’m not. I’m just asking you to stop. Stay right there. I’m going to Kukuroo. It will take a while, but I’m going… Once I’m there, we will wait together until the wish has passed. Then we’ll fight. Not inside of the Zoldyck estate, of course, but we will fight.”

Hisoka did not know how to answer. Illumi was always so careful to avoid fights with him, but the offer seemed real. As Illumi probably saw it, he could either let Hisoka go and risk having him spread havoc at home, or he could offer him this chance of a definitive match; he would risk his life, but he would keep him away from his family. It was real. It was a real deal.

“Isn’t that what you want?” Illumi continued. “Isn’t that what you wanted to achieve with all of this?”

It was. However, this was nothing like what Hisoka had imagined. Even though he had planned for the day to end that way, now that he saw how things were unfolding, it did not felt right.

In his mind, his fight with Illumi always happened after heated arguments, sometimes only after hurting another Zoldyck first. He imagined him going berserk, plunging at him with unrestrained power, his aura a suffocating cloud of hate and bloodlust. It was not like this, not this calm and indifferent. Not this cold.

“Until later.”

Illumi ended the call without waiting for the magician to answer. Anything the jester could have said would have only angered him more. He did not want this, but Hisoka was leaving him no choice. He simply had become too dangerous. Illumi looked at the sun setting in the horizon through the airship’s window.

 

 

~*~

 

 

Ignorant of what was happening at their childhood house, Alluka and Killua were walking back to their hotel after spending all afternoon outside.

“Ah! Onii-chan! We forgot!”

“Mm?”

“We forgot about Aniki and his friend!”

Killua huffed and rolled his eyes. _If only we could forget about them forever._

“Well, it’s been definitely more than a couple of hours… Do you think they had enough?”

His sister nodded and made the tiger plushie in her arms nod too.

Killua sighed. “I guess it’s time to end it then.”

 

 

~*~

 

 

Without any other warning that a brief moment of haziness, Hisoka and Illumi’s minds were returned to their rightful bodies.

Hisoka found himself inside a flying blimp, standing in front of a window. The landscape, though slightly different under the magenta sky, was familiar to him from his previous flight. The airship was already flying over Dentora. He wondered if he had made the right choice.

Miles away, Illumi found himself in a stranger situation. He was inside a house, sitting at a long table with an empty dish in front of him. It wasn’t his house and, although he didn’t recognize the room, he assumed it was the butler’s residence. After all, the girl standing at the other extreme of the table was definitely one of his butlers. He could also feel the presence of many other people ‘hiding’ behind the closed door, possibly eavesdropping.

It made no sense. The butler’s residence was away from his place and from the main road. How had Hisoka ended up there? What the hell had he been doing?

Illumi brought a hand to his face and faked distress. It was a relief to feel the shape of his own face again. “You,” he said and looked at the girl. He knew her, but he couldn’t remember her name. “Can you tell me where I am?”

“Ah, it’s the butler’s residence, sir.”

“Why am I here?”

Canary opened her eyes wide and blinked twice. “You… you asked for a meal, sir. Are you alright?”

Illumi put down his hand again and stared at her confused. “I- …I received a serious blow to the head today at work and I think it’s still affecting me… But don’t mind that. Tell me exactly how I got here.”

“Uh, you were walking up the main road and stopped at my station. You asked me what time it was, and how long it would take to get to the mansion.”

“And what did you respond?” He interrupted abruptly.

“I… I wasn’t sure what you meant, so I told you how long it would take _me_ to get there. Then you asked me if our residence was closer.”

Illumi wondered how Hisoka could have known that the butlers had their own house, then remembered that it had been himself, of course, who had told him. In his defense, he never imagined that Hisoka would ever remember such pointless information.

“Didn’t you think it was weird that I asked you that?” He interrupted again.

“Y-yes, sir… But you said that you were extremely tired and I thought…” Canary lowered her head and looked at the floor, clearly nervous. “Well, I had never seen you visit the mansion in all my time here, so I thought it was possible that you forgot where it was…”

He sighed. “What happened next?”

“When I said how close it was, you asked me if it was possible that we could offer you a meal, because you hadn’t eaten in days and didn’t want to wait anymore… So, of course, I said yes.”

Illumi kept staring at her, unblinking. It wasn’t that he wanted to intimidate her; he was truthfully astonished at the story.

“Then… when we arrived here, you wandered around the house until the meal was ready-”

“And we had dinner.” He completed the sentence while massaging his temples.

“…Just you. I refused, but-”

The Zoldyck sighed. “But I asked you to join me, and when you refused I asked you to accompany me at least.”

Canary looked up again. “Oh, is your memory better now, sir?”

It wasn’t, Illumi was just guessing. Even Hisoka could be predictable sometimes.

_Unbelievable. He just keeps laughing at me._

Illumi felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. It was a message from Hisoka.

**April Fools! I was just joking about meeting your folks. Don’t be mad?**

He quickly put the phone away.

“Please do not comment any of this to any member of my family. I don’t want to worry them.”

“Yes, master Illumi.”

“Don’t let those butlers behind the door speak about this either. If they do, I will hold you responsible.”

Canary swallowed. “Yes, master Illumi.”

The Zoldyck stood up from the table and Canary gasped. He looked at her inquisitively.

“…Are you not going to eat dessert, sir?”

 She had to ask. He had looked so excited about dessert before. Illumi Zoldyck. Excited. About dessert. The kitchen had become chaos trying to decide what to come up with.

Illumi slowly closed his eyes and counted to ten. “No, it won’t be necessary.”

 

Once far away from the mansion and all its prying ears, Illumi called Hisoka again.

“Hello~”

“Hisoka”

“Illumi”

There was a pause. Illumi was not sure what to reprimand him for first. There was just so much: not staying at the hotel room, using his Hunter license as credit card, intruding Zoldyck territory, impersonating him with the butlers, having dinner _with the servants_ …

And then there was the white elephant in the room.

“Hey, what happened to my phone?” Hisoka asked to break the silence. “It didn’t have those cracks before. You owe me a phone.”

“Hmm? I’m under the impression you used my license to go shopping, so I’d say we’re even.”

“Me?” Hisoka asked innocently. “What makes you think I’d do that?”

“I don’t know,” Illumi answered looking at his free hand. Sometime during that day, Hisoka had gotten him a manicure. “It’s just a feeling I have after receiving a certain selfie and having holographic stars on my nails.”

“I figured you’d be the French manicure type, but since I find it so dull I asked them to spice it up a bit. Do you like it?”

“Hisoka–” Illumi hesitated. He wanted to thank him. He wanted to thank him for staying away from the mountain and saving him the trouble it would have entailed. Still, there was no reason to be relieved. He had promised him a match. That had been the only reason why Hisoka had stayed away so now he would have to keep his word. “About the match–”

“Ah! Are you going to tell me you’re still mad at me?” Hisoka interrupted. “I told you, it was all a joke.”

Had he heard right? Was Hisoka canceling their match?

“So, you don’t want to…?”

“Fight you? Ah…”

There was a short silence in which Illumi was sure, so sure, Hisoka was making a weird face again. Still, when he continued speaking, his voice was totally calm.

“I would prefer that if we fight it was for more important reasons… Not a light misunderstanding… and a manicure, and some shoes.”

It was unexpected, but, just like he had done with the text before, Illumi quickly listened, got the important part, and stored the rest away to analyze calmly later on.

There was something new that kept resonating on that sentence, though.

“… Did you just say shoes?”

“Oh… Oh, damn.”

“Hisoka, did you use my license to buy shoes?”

“Well…”

“…You’re so dead.”

“Hadn’t we just signed peace?~”

“You used my license, for _shoes_.”

“The prettiest shoes”

Illumi let out a deep breath, but felt the corner of his lips try to pull into a smile. How dared he? After all he had put him through that day, how dared he act like nothing had happened? How dared he use his stupid voice to tell his stupid antics and make him feel so light? Like all the weight that was still on his shoulders had suddenly disappeared? How dared he make him feel glad that he had been reckless enough not to warn his family about what was happening? How had his own brain betrayed him and made him put his life on the board for a man that had used his license to buy expensive shoes?

“Illumi? Are you still there?”

“Can I at least see them?” Illumi finally asked him. “Your new shoes?”

“Oh my, Illu! Do you have a shoe kink?”

“A what– No! No… I just want to know where my money went.”

“Sure, sure. I’ll send you a pic as soon as I get back to my place… Oh, you were there, weren’t you? What did you think?”

“Too empty. Didn’t feel like you.”

“Just moved there. I haven’t bought many things for it yet… Ah, maybe you could join me one day on my furniture quest? An IKEA date, what do you say?”

 _IKEA date…_ Illumi moved his hand so the light caught different angles on the stars on his fingernails _. Not really a date, could count as consulting, style consulting,_ he thought, already preparing an excuse in case anyone were to find them together then.

“Sure… Why not. I have to hang up. Goodbye, Hisoka.”

“Goodbye, Illu~”

 


End file.
